First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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