I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
