actually, I'm a sock model
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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