Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
