HIV tests are more positive than that guy
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
