franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
