I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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