my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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