i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
