i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
