I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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