Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You're a waste of cheezeits
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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