i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
