I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
