Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
