I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
