you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
