I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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