My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
