i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
he just fucked me for my cheese..
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
