My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
