I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
