Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
