fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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