shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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