im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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