I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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