cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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