She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
