You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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