saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
