Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
