I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
