Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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