don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
So. Much. Porn.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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