My first STD was from a foam party
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I pour the whiskey from now on
i believe in u and ur pee
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