Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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