i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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