So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
