I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
from now on my penis is your penis
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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