So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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