So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
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