Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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