Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
