u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
