counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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