alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
