I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
