You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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