Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
