Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
