just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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