Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
They took my balls.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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