Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
