i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
