i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
