So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
