i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
