Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
