New low: just hacked my moms facebook
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
